They may look like cute, rolly polly koalas, but drop bears have a taste for blood and flesh. Get the scoop on Australia’s most dangerous cryptid after the jump.

Breaking News About Drop Bears

Tourist Narrowly Escapes “Drop Bear” Attack in Tasmanian Forest

In an unusual wildlife encounter, a tourist experienced what could only be described as a close call with Australia’s deadliest cryptid, the drop bear. This incident occurred yesterday in a remote area of Tasmania’s dense forests by Cradle Mountain, popular among hikers for its stunning vistas.

According to eyewitness accounts, Jane Thompson, a 28-year-old tourist from Canada, was on a guided nature walk when she became the center of a peculiar “attack” that left her group terrified.

 “Suddenly, there was a rustling in the trees above us. Before I knew it, something heavy crashed onto my back. I thought my life was over; I was going to be a drop bear’s lunch!”

The attacker turned out to be a rather large drop bear, which slashed her back and gnawed on her scalp, leaving her a bloody mess.

Wildlife experts suggest that the drop bear, likely a male, was displaying unusually aggressive behavior, possibly due to mating season hormones. Dr. Lisa Harrow, a wildlife biologist said, “While drop bears are generally sluggish during the day, they can have their moments, especially during the breeding season.”

Thankfully, Thompson escaped, and she required stitches, rabies vaccination, and testing for were-koala disease. A guide swiftly ensured the drop bear returned safely to its tree, while reminding tourists of the importance of looking up into the forest canopy, and not trying to take selfies with blood sucking monsters.

This peculiar event has sparked a renewed interest in drop bears, reminding locals and visitors alike of the cautionary tales that are a staple of Australian bush culture. As for Thompson, she plans to continue her travels, albeit with a more cautious gaze towards the treetops.

Interview with drop bear expert, Dr. Cheryl Allen

Dr. Allen is the Head of Drop Bear research at the Tasmanian Cryptozoology Research Centre in Launceston, Tasmania

Our guest is Dr. Cheryl Allen. She’s the Head of Tasmanian Cryptozoology and teaches at the University of Tasmania in Launceston.

Jacob Rice: Good afternoon, Dr. Allen. It’s a pleasure to have you here to discuss one of Australia’s most curious monsters: the drop bear. Can you start by telling us what exactly a drop bear is?

Dr. Allen: Thank you for having me. Yes, drop bears are a fascinating subject! They are a dangerous creature from the Australian Outback and dense forests of northern Tasmania. They are often described as large, predatory versions of koalas.

Jacob Rice: What are their feeding habits? Do they have a particular diet?

Dr. Allen: Sure, drop bears are carnivorous, preying on small animals and unsuspecting tourists. Their behavior is said to stem from their aggressive nature, which is in stark contrast to their more docile cousins, the vegetarian koala.

Jacob Rice: Why do they specifically target tourists?

Dr. Allen: For one, tourists aren’t very aware of their surroundings. They’re too busy taking selfies with different wildlife, and they don’t look up in the trees. What’s really interesting to know about the Tasmanian drop bear is that it has a preference for tourists from Canada and Great Britain.

Jacob Rice: Why would a drop bear develop a preference if it craves blood?

Dr. Allen: Our research indicates that drop bears can smell something unique in these tourists. For Canadians, it’s the high quotient of maple syrup, making their blood sweet. As for the Brits, it’s all the bangers and blood sausages they eat. It enhances the flavor of their blood like barbeque sauce does for a steak. That can drive a drop bear into a feeding frenzy.

Jacob Rice: So, do drop bears ever target Americans?

Dr. Allen: No, not really. It seems Americans have too many preservatives, aspartame and Red #40 in their bodies. Drop bears hate artificial foods.

Jacob Rice: Why is Tasmania considered an ideal habitat for these creatures?

Dr. Allen: Tasmania’s dense forests and cooler climate make it a perfect backdrop for them. There’s plenty of water and prey in nearby campgrounds. They like nothing better than a bus full of scouts left unattended for an evening.

Jacob Rice: It seems like the drop bears are an invasive species to Tasmania, and they’re noticeably larger than the ones found in the Australian Outback. Why is that?

Dr. Allen: Invasive species can sometimes become larger in new environments where they have no natural predators, a phenomenon known as “ecological release.” Without predators, Tasmanian drop bears have thrived. This resulted in larger body sizes and more robust populations, as individuals have more opportunities to grow and reproduce successfully. For example, the Tasmanian drop bear is 30% larger than one found in the Outback.

Jacob Rice: Thank you, Dr. Allen, for shedding light on this intriguing part of Australian cryptozoology.

Dr. Allen: My pleasure! Remember, always look up when walking through the Australian forests—you never know what might drop down!

How To Protect Yourself From Drop Bears

The advice on how to protect oneself from drop bears is can save you from attack in the Australian Outback as well as Tasmanian forests:

1. Fork in the Hair: It’s suggested that placing forks in the hair can deter drop bears, as they will be afraid of getting hurt on the prongs.
2. Vegemite Behind the Ears: Another common piece of advice is to smear Vegemite or toothpaste behind the ears or in the armpits, supposedly because drop bears cannot stand the smell.
3. Speak with an Australian Accent: There’s a playful claim that drop bears are less likely to attack people who speak with an Australian accent, as they prefer to target tourists.

If you’ve encountered a drop bear, let me know in the comments below!

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This is a fictional news story transcript from the podcast, Monster Bureau. Don’t take it seriously.

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